Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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