you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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