If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
