i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
