My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
