if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
