That's when you crack a 10am beer
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
