He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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