I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
