When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
