Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
