Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
