I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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