It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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