My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
