I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
