White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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