ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
