Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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