I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my being single is dangerous.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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