Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize