it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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