I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
