Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
