Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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