So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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