I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
