Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize