I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
