You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
