This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
