Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
