my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize