That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
