Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
