my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
