Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
