Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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