I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
well you can't waste a boner
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
