Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
