its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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