Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
