everyone is single if you try hard enough
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
