States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
be right there i have to get my cape
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
