I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
