I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
