you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
