i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
