Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
