He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
