My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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