when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
