Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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