you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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