Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
