I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im holly from the hills drunk
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
