Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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