I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
