I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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