When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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