Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
