Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
