so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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