dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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